As my erotic blog goodgirlturnedslut.blogspot.com kept filling up with my soul business, I decided I might as well make an honest woman of myself and start up this sister blog. You may justifiably ask why it is that I choose to have my soul's business out on the internet. Well, I'm a a ponderer, a thinker, I seek to understand, often too hard. Focusing my mind to wrap this swirl of thoughts into words that might be comprehensible to another human being is incredibly helpful to me. Yes, of course, I could just write a private journal, but actually it's not the same. Knowing that another person, a person I don't even know, may read my words gives it a whole different impetus. I also believe that as human beings we have a deep need to be seen, witnessed, seen for all of who we are. Just the one girl, just the one person. What is more, I love words, I love language, I love taking complex thoughts and feelings and searching for just the right words until I know you can feel what I'm feeling - you can be right there with me and I no longer alone.



Friday 4 June 2010

Day 35

A better scan yesterday. It looks like things are starting to move. Enough certainly for the next scan to be booked in for tomorrow. We're not there yet, but what a relief! I've actually started to feel the ache in my ovaries for the first time.

On a low day on Tuesday I started reading people's online IVF diaries, just hoping to find other cases where the stimulation had been this slow. I actually didn't find any, but I did find plenty of detailed descriptions of the physical symptoms this process brings with it. I was shaking my head on reading how much people can overinterpret every little twinge. Now here I am, not being so different. I can't help but notice how often reason tells me one thing, but emotional reaction another. I feel glad to be able to hold both, without letting them negate one another.

Today is also the first day that I feel contented to be vanilla for a little while. This process is the centre of my attention now. Even before my body started feeling so tender, I myself started feeling tender enough to want safety, indulgence and pleasure rather than boundary pushing wildness. I feel so blessed to have friends and lovers that care enough about me to bear with me here rather than disappear from my life. I feel even more blessed to have found my wicked, playful side and to know that I will never lose that again.

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