As my erotic blog kept filling up with my soul business, I decided I might as well make an honest woman of myself and start up this sister blog. You may justifiably ask why it is that I choose to have my soul's business out on the internet. Well, I'm a a ponderer, a thinker, I seek to understand, often too hard. Focusing my mind to wrap this swirl of thoughts into words that might be comprehensible to another human being is incredibly helpful to me. Yes, of course, I could just write a private journal, but actually it's not the same. Knowing that another person, a person I don't even know, may read my words gives it a whole different impetus. I also believe that as human beings we have a deep need to be seen, witnessed, seen for all of who we are. Just the one girl, just the one person. What is more, I love words, I love language, I love taking complex thoughts and feelings and searching for just the right words until I know you can feel what I'm feeling - you can be right there with me and I no longer alone.

Saturday, 26 June 2010

Day 16* - Oh my god, I'm pregnant!!!!

I know I have been quiet. Quietly incubating the cell balls, as calmly as possible getting through the infamous 2 week wait to precisely THIS morning. Pregnancy test time!!!

It was weird - I've done these in the past, normally with almost no hope that the two lines would eventually come up, feeling incapable of imagining that one day they actually would. So in the run-up to this morning I couldn't quite imagine it. On the other hand, I was feeling so happy and optimistic that I couldn't quite imagine that it hadn't worked either. Whenever I brought my attention into my belly I found this huge smile spreading over my face and a small bubbles of excitement rising up. I kept trying very hard the last two weeks not to read too much into that, just so I wouldn't be quashed with disappointment. I kept carefully tracking the odd moments of nausea, one instance of lower back pain, sore nipples, knowing fully well they could all be good signs, but they could also be side effects from the high dose progesterone supplements.

So this morning came. If it hadn't been for all the excitement and nerves, the beautiful morning sun of a perfect day would have tickled me awake anyway by 6 o'clock. I woke my beloved next to me - not having passed out on the sofa at 10.30 like I had, he wasn't quite so sprightly yet. We climbed down to the living room, he unwrapped the test stick for me and off I went armed with my morning me. I capped it, came back to the living room, put it on the table and covered it with the instructions. We timed: 1 minute, 2 minutes, 3 minutes. I really didn't want to pull the paper away, steeling my mind for seeing a single line. I took a deep breath and did it! There they were two fat pink lines - the test line even fatter than the control. "Oh my god!!!!" I think was what I said and "Our cell balls rule!" Tears shot into my eyes and I was laughing. P. just very quietly went "Wow!", not quite able to take it in yet.

So at this point, I also want to say "wow!" and a big thank you to all who have willed us and the cell balls on! We are of course mindful that it's early days yet and of course your good wishes are always deeply appreciated. xxxx

Tuesday, 15 June 2010

Day 5* - cell balls coming home!

Wow! Wow! Wow! Our cell balls rule! They've been dividing beautifully ever since day 1. Yesterday four of the six were reaching blastocyst stage and are ready to transfer today. It is around this time that naturally fertilised blastocysts would also implant in the womb i.e. any IVF embryos that have made it this far have a really good chance of implanting. So today we're having two transferred. It took the full five days of reading and talking until we decided we were definitely going with two. Funny actually, I was stressing because I was sure P. would opt for just one and completely surprised when he also thought we should go with two!

So in a couple of days time I could be pregnant - not that I'll know it for another 10 days or so, but I could be. It's actually a strange thought to get my head around after all this time. I don't think it fully hit me until I bought the pregnancy tests yesterday. It suddenly feels like there's a whole new strange life potentially ahead of us. P.'s been getting it too. He's been talking about getting a grip at work (rather than having it as easy as possible) and yesterday he called me out of the blue about a bigger flat he'd seen online. We spent half the evening looking at estate agents website and school reports to see where we should or shouldn't move to. Before you worry - yes, this may look premature, but I really believe that this is just a question of time now. I don't mean believe in a magical kind of way, but simply based on scientific probability.

How strange, how strange! Tonight I'll be back on this sofa with two little cell balls in my womb, urging them to lie back and get comfortable. I've considered reading German books to them - a little strange and ineffective as my husband pointed out - but it'll make me happy :-)

Friday, 11 June 2010

Day 1* - 6 of 9 :-)

Oodles of follicles yielded 9 happy eggs yesterday! Sounds like they made the consultant work for his money. I'm not surprised, they've always taken that attitude with me. This morning 6 of them have fertilised - my beautiful non-smoking, non-drinking, veggie husband's sperm did a great job (somewhat to his quiet pleasure). From here on, the embryologist will call us everyday to keep us informed of their progress. If they keep growing well we take them through to day 5 on Tuesday. They will then be at blastocyst stage and have an optimum chance of implanting.

I'm still a little tense about their progress, but also very, very pleased! Even if it doesn't all work this cycle, at least we know that the technique works for us in principle, which is more than I was expecting. Patience is one thing I've learnt from this experience. What is more, I've learnt that I'm not always the best judge of when it's the right time for something to happen in my life. If I'd got pregnant quickly and easily four years ago, I would have missed out on so much and I certainly wouldn't be the person I am now. I'd be alright for sure, but I really like THIS version of me.

I could write a lot about the experience of the egg collection day, but I can't see the point. It was quite untraumatic, I slept through the exciting bit and today my ovaries ache (nothing the paracetamol can't deal with). There are plenty of in depth fertility journals out there and they are excellent, helpful and at times traumatic to read. So this is really all I want to say today. 6 out of 9 - fucking well done you guys! Keep on going in that incubator. You have no idea how many people are rooting for you and dying to see what a quirky little gene combo you may turn out to be!

Thursday, 10 June 2010

Day 41 - Egg collection day!

It's still early. I've just had my final glass of water before the surgery, replied to my best friend's warm good luck wishes and now I'm waiting. It's egg collection day. Today we're making babies. That's if all goes well and each of the many little steps required to come together just perfectly does its bit. Wow!

In my mind's image of this morning I definitely didn't expect to feel this excited or this positive. My ambivalence seems to have evaporated and so has my pessimistic defence. I could of course worry about all that may or may not happen, and yes, there is some of that going on, but I keep coming back to the excited feeling in my stomach. Today, we're making babies...

Tuesday, 8 June 2010


Do you believe in souls? I don't know if I do. I lie. I do. Admitting to it is a different matter. But in my most secret, most loving, most estrogen-intoxicated thoughts I find this:

Come this way lttle butterfly,
Come here to us,
And I promise you
You'll find the most marvellous flower,
Waiting only
For you to come home
And land in the dew
Of my sweet warm happy tears.

Sunday, 6 June 2010

Day 36 - a great day :-)

Today the fertility nurse smiled at me.
"I like it when you smile," I said.
Eight beautifully maturing eggs on my left ovary; the right one was hiding as usual. Did you know they move around? You'd have thought your organs would stay put where they belong. Well, not that one!

I'm feeling so happy today. Lack of response or hyperstimulation had been such spectres on my IVF wall that maybe, hopefully having bypassed both would leave me thrilled. It's hard not to get overexcited and drift off into the kind of baby fantasies that I haven't been allowing myself. Thinking of names, wondering what a child of ours may look like. Can't stop smiling and cradling my bloated aching belly. You go girls, keep going!

Friday, 4 June 2010

Day 35

A better scan yesterday. It looks like things are starting to move. Enough certainly for the next scan to be booked in for tomorrow. We're not there yet, but what a relief! I've actually started to feel the ache in my ovaries for the first time.

On a low day on Tuesday I started reading people's online IVF diaries, just hoping to find other cases where the stimulation had been this slow. I actually didn't find any, but I did find plenty of detailed descriptions of the physical symptoms this process brings with it. I was shaking my head on reading how much people can overinterpret every little twinge. Now here I am, not being so different. I can't help but notice how often reason tells me one thing, but emotional reaction another. I feel glad to be able to hold both, without letting them negate one another.

Today is also the first day that I feel contented to be vanilla for a little while. This process is the centre of my attention now. Even before my body started feeling so tender, I myself started feeling tender enough to want safety, indulgence and pleasure rather than boundary pushing wildness. I feel so blessed to have friends and lovers that care enough about me to bear with me here rather than disappear from my life. I feel even more blessed to have found my wicked, playful side and to know that I will never lose that again.