As my erotic blog goodgirlturnedslut.blogspot.com kept filling up with my soul business, I decided I might as well make an honest woman of myself and start up this sister blog. You may justifiably ask why it is that I choose to have my soul's business out on the internet. Well, I'm a a ponderer, a thinker, I seek to understand, often too hard. Focusing my mind to wrap this swirl of thoughts into words that might be comprehensible to another human being is incredibly helpful to me. Yes, of course, I could just write a private journal, but actually it's not the same. Knowing that another person, a person I don't even know, may read my words gives it a whole different impetus. I also believe that as human beings we have a deep need to be seen, witnessed, seen for all of who we are. Just the one girl, just the one person. What is more, I love words, I love language, I love taking complex thoughts and feelings and searching for just the right words until I know you can feel what I'm feeling - you can be right there with me and I no longer alone.



Monday 31 May 2010

Day 31 - not a great day

Ah, what do I say?! I just flew through the most epic weekend to this morning's scan, not even thinking or worrying about it much. Definitely a great strategy. My husband thinks I should write "The slut's IVF survival guide". However, that didn't help me much when it came to the actual scan this morning. Still only a minor response :-(. The consultant thinks it's too risky to put the dose up any more, so I am to continue on the existing dose for the next 4 days before we check again.

In my head I'm telling myself that's really ok. It doesn't matter how long it takes. The pencilled in date for egg collection on Thursday was just that - a pencilled in date. I always knew this wouldn't be straightforward and was more likely NOT to work. But maybe hidden underneath that was more hope than I wanted to admit to. Otherwise I wouldn't now be worrying what will happen what I don't ever respond on this dose - whether that will be IT already, without ever having got to a single embryo. Patience now feels like a bigger ask than three days ago. Sometimes I wished I could cry more easily. This edge of tears feeling is just tiring, let's just cry and get some catharsis. But that's not how I am and I can't force it - any more than I can force my ovaries to respond.
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4 comments:

  1. Menthe1 June 2010 at 09:26

    Thinking of you....

    ReplyDelete
  2. Good Girl Turned Slut1 June 2010 at 09:34

    Thanks, my lovely.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Menthe4 June 2010 at 08:47

    Thinking of you this morning, hope yesterday was not too bad.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Good Girl Turned Slut4 June 2010 at 11:16

    Thank you, things are looking up after the scan yesterday. It looks like it's just being slow. I was so relieved that I haven't even written about it yet, but spend the evening with friends on the beach instead. Next scan tomorrow morning! xx

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