Today I've learnt how to inject myself - not something I'd have thought I might ever have to know, but there you go. They even gave me my own miniature sharps bin - how weird!
What am I talking about? Well, today we've officially started our first IVF cycle. We've boarded the train, the show is on the road or whatever other mental image you might be able to conjure for a process that's now more or less out of my control. In the end, day 1 (or strictly day 3) arrived pretty quickly, paradoxically so after all these months of waiting. Not that I did much waiting in the end - much adventuring, much fucking, but not so much waiting. Wise move, I think.
I was asked whether I felt nervous and although I replied that I was shitting myself, actually I don't feel it today. Mentally I've decided to worry about this one step at a time. So for now, if I'm concerned about anything, it's about drug number one, Buserelin. That's the one that's intended to shut my own hormonal system down altogether and that might just bring me an early flavour of what it's like to hit menopause. It had better not mess with my libido too much or I'll be distinctly unimpressed! Anyway, let's do drug number one for a couple of weeks and then we worry about the serious stuff. But honestly, I'm far too tired today to worry much about anything. They told me that I might feel tired and tearful on the Buserelin, but actually I'm a bit fragile today anyway - minus the Buserelin. Perhaps it's just coming off the week's worth of artificial progesterone into my first period in 9 months that's knocked me out, the evil crampy bitch, or perhaps I'm also still hungover from my Sunday of depravity with Banshee girl. In any case, I'm just about ready for my sofa, a hot water bottle and a good dose of Stieg Larrson. I've not felt this particular internal state for a little while - very, very soft with a big desire to take care of myself. All that rebellious edginess that's been my near constant companion since last spring - it's completely in the background right now. This particular girl - she's an old familiar friend. You know, I think I actually quite like her...
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This is a bit of a roller-coaster, I know well two people that have gone through it, one for whom it took several goes and then they had two children via IVF, (serially, not twins), and the other, (she was 49!) who took first go. Best of luck kids are amazing.
ReplyDeleteI also just went through the last week reading the three Larsson books, also worth it :-)
Thank you for the warm wishes - they are much appreciated! The roller-coaster is fully expected, I'm probably as ready for it as I can be. Whether it'll work is another question - my combination of pathologies is going to make this quite challenging. Whilst it's always encouraging to hear about success stories, at the moment I'm opting to believe it only when I see it. How my body responds to the drugs over the next few weeks is going to be critical - both to the process and to my level of optimism. I occasionally catch myself having faint glimmers of hope that this may actually work. On the whole I let those go, I've found over the years that it's better for my sanity that way.
ReplyDeletePS: You've read all the Larsson books in one week?! Wow!