Day 18 or: swinging moods are less fun than swinging

After an intense, debauched and slightly mad weekend, the mood swings have finally caught me. That seems fair enough, given that I had a fairly easy ride of it until now. Yesterday I could have cried pretty much all day. I thought perhaps I was just extra sensitive and there were a couple of things preying on my mind. But even after sorting those out, even after getting through the tension of an appointment at the fertility clinic, even after buying myself a new handbag (SUCH a girl these days), I still wanted to cry. My favourite dacryphile would have had a field day.

On the bright side - all the baseline results at the clinic were absolutely fine. Even my marathon period was easily explained by the hormonal suppressors that make their way under my skin each morning. Now I've got a fridge full of expensive human recombinant FSH (that's "follicle stimulating hormone" for the non-endocrinologists and the guys), sitting between the lettuce and the ready-made pizza. Saturday then. Saturday is the day when we start stimulating. I'll be counting my way through FSH vials 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 and 6 right up to the next scan.

With every little step along the way this feels a little more real. I had made a conscious decision to separate this whole process entirely from the possible outcome i.e. I deliberately don't think about the fact that this is about me having a baby. Seems weird? Straight self-protection - otherwise the expectation, the hope and the potential for devastation becomes too great. But it's becoming less easy. Every time I go to the clinic and see the photo gallery of their success stories, every day that passes that's getting me closer to having to look at my follicles on a fuzzy ultrasound screen, it's getting more difficult. I don't even hate the photo gallery any more, like I did at our first visit - now it just makes me want to cry. I know, everything makes me want to cry, but it's a sign that my defensiveness is eroding and giving way to longing once more. That's a good thing, a painful thing, but a good thing.