So it was D-day yesterday, well first scan day, anyway. It all didn't start to well with a train cancellation and a mildly stressful drive to the clinic. I'd prepared myself for whatever outcome. I was perfectly aware that we'd started with a low dose of hormone, so as not to overstimulate me dangerously. As it was we'd barely stimulated me at all. But that's ok, there's no rush. We've upped the dose now and I'll have another scan on Monday. I thought I took it just fine, calmly and realistically - until I talked to someone in the evening who'd just lost his 22-year old daughter, never really having known her. Ah, daughters you may never know and the broken-heartedness that brings.
I'd managed to distract myself very successfully by having a drinks date with a potential dom on the night before the scan and a beautiful evening with my lover the night before. Unfortunately, both ended up shooting me in the foot somewhat - emotionally anyway. My lover really wants to see me next week and I very much want to see her and drink from that crazy happy state. However next week could be extraordinarily difficult for me. I don't know what it is I'll be needing in advance. I don't want to hurt her, especially as she's not used to being with a polyamorous lover, but I also don't want to hurt me or stress me more than I'll be able to handle. Delicately honest communication was the best I could do - the best anyone can ever do. I hope it was enough.
With the dom - oh gosh, where do I start? It was fun and I really got very enthusiastic on the night, but I had some underlying uneasy feeling. It might be a bit to do with the boundary-pushing nature of the things he was proposing, but more with a lack of warmth I was feeling. I'm not good at saying "no" to people, especially if I've been very enthusiastic with them. More difficult communication! We've since talked about the affection question (sigh, he's also not used to playing with a poly) and maybe we just need to talk some more in person. Two difficult conversations and one disappointing scan - all a little too much for yesterday.
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Three things I recommend, (Wilde says, "you should always pass on good advice, it's never any good to you", in that spirit),remember, you are obliged, (I think), to be open, honest, and fair with people, (eg. not brutal), What they make of it is up to them and can be instructive to you. Mitch Albom, wrote some great books, I'm sure you've read them, but "Tuesdays with Morrie" talks about exactly what your looking at spiritually.
ReplyDeleteLastly, with reference to your other blog, d/s relationships are about, or should be about, the "whole" person. For me at least it is about experiencing "all" that a woman has and is, her mind and body, if it only comes down to a set of rules, a flogging and some fancy rope tying then it misses out on a lot that women are. So much of it is just about skin and smell and emotion and for that you need variety and imagination. It can't all be about the racetrack, you have to have the country drive too.
Glad you're holdin' in there, it is a tough journey, but if it comes right.....(Formerly Menthe168, it wouldn't let me sign in :-( )
Thank you, Menthe, you're a good friend whose insight I always appreciate.
ReplyDeleteI completely agree with you philosophically - being open, honest and fair with people is my only responsibility to them. It is actually inappropriate and patronising to try make myself responsible for their well-being in any other way. However, like for most of us, living that philosophy is a continuous challenge - guilt buttons just get pressed far too easily. I've not come across Mitch Albom's work, but I'll be sure to take a look.
Regarding the d/s relationship - thank you for describing so beautifully what it's about for you. As I'm meeting people, I'm still becoming clearer about what I want. I don't actually want to be just used, spanked and humiliated - or owned. It's actually got to come from a basis of pleasure, sensuality and care. Pushing my boundaries from that basis is exciting - taking me further than I thought I could go, making me admit quite how greedy I am, pleasuring me beyond my limits, helping me experience strong sensation and emotion and then again just being delicately, intimately sensual... It can't just be "administered", it's got to be felt and for that to work most fully there's got to be chemistry and connection (dare I say love?). It's a big ask, but I've got my hands full anyway, so I can just keep looking. xx