Wow! Wow! Wow! Our cell balls rule! They've been dividing beautifully ever since day 1. Yesterday four of the six were reaching blastocyst stage and are ready to transfer today. It is around this time that naturally fertilised blastocysts would also implant in the womb i.e. any IVF embryos that have made it this far have a really good chance of implanting. So today we're having two transferred. It took the full five days of reading and talking until we decided we were definitely going with two. Funny actually, I was stressing because I was sure P. would opt for just one and completely surprised when he also thought we should go with two!
So in a couple of days time I could be pregnant - not that I'll know it for another 10 days or so, but I could be. It's actually a strange thought to get my head around after all this time. I don't think it fully hit me until I bought the pregnancy tests yesterday. It suddenly feels like there's a whole new strange life potentially ahead of us. P.'s been getting it too. He's been talking about getting a grip at work (rather than having it as easy as possible) and yesterday he called me out of the blue about a bigger flat he'd seen online. We spent half the evening looking at estate agents website and school reports to see where we should or shouldn't move to. Before you worry - yes, this may look premature, but I really believe that this is just a question of time now. I don't mean believe in a magical kind of way, but simply based on scientific probability.
How strange, how strange! Tonight I'll be back on this sofa with two little cell balls in my womb, urging them to lie back and get comfortable. I've considered reading German books to them - a little strange and ineffective as my husband pointed out - but it'll make me happy :-)
Showing posts with label Fertility. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Fertility. Show all posts
Tuesday, 15 June 2010
Friday, 11 June 2010
Day 1* - 6 of 9 :-)
Oodles of follicles yielded 9 happy eggs yesterday! Sounds like they made the consultant work for his money. I'm not surprised, they've always taken that attitude with me. This morning 6 of them have fertilised - my beautiful non-smoking, non-drinking, veggie husband's sperm did a great job (somewhat to his quiet pleasure). From here on, the embryologist will call us everyday to keep us informed of their progress. If they keep growing well we take them through to day 5 on Tuesday. They will then be at blastocyst stage and have an optimum chance of implanting.
I'm still a little tense about their progress, but also very, very pleased! Even if it doesn't all work this cycle, at least we know that the technique works for us in principle, which is more than I was expecting. Patience is one thing I've learnt from this experience. What is more, I've learnt that I'm not always the best judge of when it's the right time for something to happen in my life. If I'd got pregnant quickly and easily four years ago, I would have missed out on so much and I certainly wouldn't be the person I am now. I'd be alright for sure, but I really like THIS version of me.
I could write a lot about the experience of the egg collection day, but I can't see the point. It was quite untraumatic, I slept through the exciting bit and today my ovaries ache (nothing the paracetamol can't deal with). There are plenty of in depth fertility journals out there and they are excellent, helpful and at times traumatic to read. So this is really all I want to say today. 6 out of 9 - fucking well done you guys! Keep on going in that incubator. You have no idea how many people are rooting for you and dying to see what a quirky little gene combo you may turn out to be!
I'm still a little tense about their progress, but also very, very pleased! Even if it doesn't all work this cycle, at least we know that the technique works for us in principle, which is more than I was expecting. Patience is one thing I've learnt from this experience. What is more, I've learnt that I'm not always the best judge of when it's the right time for something to happen in my life. If I'd got pregnant quickly and easily four years ago, I would have missed out on so much and I certainly wouldn't be the person I am now. I'd be alright for sure, but I really like THIS version of me.
I could write a lot about the experience of the egg collection day, but I can't see the point. It was quite untraumatic, I slept through the exciting bit and today my ovaries ache (nothing the paracetamol can't deal with). There are plenty of in depth fertility journals out there and they are excellent, helpful and at times traumatic to read. So this is really all I want to say today. 6 out of 9 - fucking well done you guys! Keep on going in that incubator. You have no idea how many people are rooting for you and dying to see what a quirky little gene combo you may turn out to be!
Friday, 4 June 2010
Day 35
A better scan yesterday. It looks like things are starting to move. Enough certainly for the next scan to be booked in for tomorrow. We're not there yet, but what a relief! I've actually started to feel the ache in my ovaries for the first time.
On a low day on Tuesday I started reading people's online IVF diaries, just hoping to find other cases where the stimulation had been this slow. I actually didn't find any, but I did find plenty of detailed descriptions of the physical symptoms this process brings with it. I was shaking my head on reading how much people can overinterpret every little twinge. Now here I am, not being so different. I can't help but notice how often reason tells me one thing, but emotional reaction another. I feel glad to be able to hold both, without letting them negate one another.
Today is also the first day that I feel contented to be vanilla for a little while. This process is the centre of my attention now. Even before my body started feeling so tender, I myself started feeling tender enough to want safety, indulgence and pleasure rather than boundary pushing wildness. I feel so blessed to have friends and lovers that care enough about me to bear with me here rather than disappear from my life. I feel even more blessed to have found my wicked, playful side and to know that I will never lose that again.
On a low day on Tuesday I started reading people's online IVF diaries, just hoping to find other cases where the stimulation had been this slow. I actually didn't find any, but I did find plenty of detailed descriptions of the physical symptoms this process brings with it. I was shaking my head on reading how much people can overinterpret every little twinge. Now here I am, not being so different. I can't help but notice how often reason tells me one thing, but emotional reaction another. I feel glad to be able to hold both, without letting them negate one another.
Today is also the first day that I feel contented to be vanilla for a little while. This process is the centre of my attention now. Even before my body started feeling so tender, I myself started feeling tender enough to want safety, indulgence and pleasure rather than boundary pushing wildness. I feel so blessed to have friends and lovers that care enough about me to bear with me here rather than disappear from my life. I feel even more blessed to have found my wicked, playful side and to know that I will never lose that again.
Saturday, 29 May 2010
Day 28 - patiently waiting
So it was D-day yesterday, well first scan day, anyway. It all didn't start to well with a train cancellation and a mildly stressful drive to the clinic. I'd prepared myself for whatever outcome. I was perfectly aware that we'd started with a low dose of hormone, so as not to overstimulate me dangerously. As it was we'd barely stimulated me at all. But that's ok, there's no rush. We've upped the dose now and I'll have another scan on Monday. I thought I took it just fine, calmly and realistically - until I talked to someone in the evening who'd just lost his 22-year old daughter, never really having known her. Ah, daughters you may never know and the broken-heartedness that brings.
I'd managed to distract myself very successfully by having a drinks date with a potential dom on the night before the scan and a beautiful evening with my lover the night before. Unfortunately, both ended up shooting me in the foot somewhat - emotionally anyway. My lover really wants to see me next week and I very much want to see her and drink from that crazy happy state. However next week could be extraordinarily difficult for me. I don't know what it is I'll be needing in advance. I don't want to hurt her, especially as she's not used to being with a polyamorous lover, but I also don't want to hurt me or stress me more than I'll be able to handle. Delicately honest communication was the best I could do - the best anyone can ever do. I hope it was enough.
With the dom - oh gosh, where do I start? It was fun and I really got very enthusiastic on the night, but I had some underlying uneasy feeling. It might be a bit to do with the boundary-pushing nature of the things he was proposing, but more with a lack of warmth I was feeling. I'm not good at saying "no" to people, especially if I've been very enthusiastic with them. More difficult communication! We've since talked about the affection question (sigh, he's also not used to playing with a poly) and maybe we just need to talk some more in person. Two difficult conversations and one disappointing scan - all a little too much for yesterday.
I'd managed to distract myself very successfully by having a drinks date with a potential dom on the night before the scan and a beautiful evening with my lover the night before. Unfortunately, both ended up shooting me in the foot somewhat - emotionally anyway. My lover really wants to see me next week and I very much want to see her and drink from that crazy happy state. However next week could be extraordinarily difficult for me. I don't know what it is I'll be needing in advance. I don't want to hurt her, especially as she's not used to being with a polyamorous lover, but I also don't want to hurt me or stress me more than I'll be able to handle. Delicately honest communication was the best I could do - the best anyone can ever do. I hope it was enough.
With the dom - oh gosh, where do I start? It was fun and I really got very enthusiastic on the night, but I had some underlying uneasy feeling. It might be a bit to do with the boundary-pushing nature of the things he was proposing, but more with a lack of warmth I was feeling. I'm not good at saying "no" to people, especially if I've been very enthusiastic with them. More difficult communication! We've since talked about the affection question (sigh, he's also not used to playing with a poly) and maybe we just need to talk some more in person. Two difficult conversations and one disappointing scan - all a little too much for yesterday.
Wednesday, 19 May 2010
Day 18 or: swinging moods are less fun than swinging
After an intense, debauched and slightly mad weekend, the mood swings have finally caught me. That seems fair enough, given that I had a fairly easy ride of it until now. Yesterday I could have cried pretty much all day. I thought perhaps I was just extra sensitive and there were a couple of things preying on my mind. But even after sorting those out, even after getting through the tension of an appointment at the fertility clinic, even after buying myself a new handbag (SUCH a girl these days), I still wanted to cry. My favourite dacryphile would have had a field day.
On the bright side - all the baseline results at the clinic were absolutely fine. Even my marathon period was easily explained by the hormonal suppressors that make their way under my skin each morning. Now I've got a fridge full of expensive human recombinant FSH (that's "follicle stimulating hormone" for the non-endocrinologists and the guys), sitting between the lettuce and the ready-made pizza. Saturday then. Saturday is the day when we start stimulating. I'll be counting my way through FSH vials 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 and 6 right up to the next scan.
With every little step along the way this feels a little more real. I had made a conscious decision to separate this whole process entirely from the possible outcome i.e. I deliberately don't think about the fact that this is about me having a baby. Seems weird? Straight self-protection - otherwise the expectation, the hope and the potential for devastation becomes too great. But it's becoming less easy. Every time I go to the clinic and see the photo gallery of their success stories, every day that passes that's getting me closer to having to look at my follicles on a fuzzy ultrasound screen, it's getting more difficult. I don't even hate the photo gallery any more, like I did at our first visit - now it just makes me want to cry. I know, everything makes me want to cry, but it's a sign that my defensiveness is eroding and giving way to longing once more. That's a good thing, a painful thing, but a good thing.
On the bright side - all the baseline results at the clinic were absolutely fine. Even my marathon period was easily explained by the hormonal suppressors that make their way under my skin each morning. Now I've got a fridge full of expensive human recombinant FSH (that's "follicle stimulating hormone" for the non-endocrinologists and the guys), sitting between the lettuce and the ready-made pizza. Saturday then. Saturday is the day when we start stimulating. I'll be counting my way through FSH vials 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 and 6 right up to the next scan.
With every little step along the way this feels a little more real. I had made a conscious decision to separate this whole process entirely from the possible outcome i.e. I deliberately don't think about the fact that this is about me having a baby. Seems weird? Straight self-protection - otherwise the expectation, the hope and the potential for devastation becomes too great. But it's becoming less easy. Every time I go to the clinic and see the photo gallery of their success stories, every day that passes that's getting me closer to having to look at my follicles on a fuzzy ultrasound screen, it's getting more difficult. I don't even hate the photo gallery any more, like I did at our first visit - now it just makes me want to cry. I know, everything makes me want to cry, but it's a sign that my defensiveness is eroding and giving way to longing once more. That's a good thing, a painful thing, but a good thing.
Tuesday, 4 May 2010
And so it begins (Day 3)
Today I've learnt how to inject myself - not something I'd have thought I might ever have to know, but there you go. They even gave me my own miniature sharps bin - how weird!
What am I talking about? Well, today we've officially started our first IVF cycle. We've boarded the train, the show is on the road or whatever other mental image you might be able to conjure for a process that's now more or less out of my control. In the end, day 1 (or strictly day 3) arrived pretty quickly, paradoxically so after all these months of waiting. Not that I did much waiting in the end - much adventuring, much fucking, but not so much waiting. Wise move, I think.
I was asked whether I felt nervous and although I replied that I was shitting myself, actually I don't feel it today. Mentally I've decided to worry about this one step at a time. So for now, if I'm concerned about anything, it's about drug number one, Buserelin. That's the one that's intended to shut my own hormonal system down altogether and that might just bring me an early flavour of what it's like to hit menopause. It had better not mess with my libido too much or I'll be distinctly unimpressed! Anyway, let's do drug number one for a couple of weeks and then we worry about the serious stuff. But honestly, I'm far too tired today to worry much about anything. They told me that I might feel tired and tearful on the Buserelin, but actually I'm a bit fragile today anyway - minus the Buserelin. Perhaps it's just coming off the week's worth of artificial progesterone into my first period in 9 months that's knocked me out, the evil crampy bitch, or perhaps I'm also still hungover from my Sunday of depravity with Banshee girl. In any case, I'm just about ready for my sofa, a hot water bottle and a good dose of Stieg Larrson. I've not felt this particular internal state for a little while - very, very soft with a big desire to take care of myself. All that rebellious edginess that's been my near constant companion since last spring - it's completely in the background right now. This particular girl - she's an old familiar friend. You know, I think I actually quite like her...
What am I talking about? Well, today we've officially started our first IVF cycle. We've boarded the train, the show is on the road or whatever other mental image you might be able to conjure for a process that's now more or less out of my control. In the end, day 1 (or strictly day 3) arrived pretty quickly, paradoxically so after all these months of waiting. Not that I did much waiting in the end - much adventuring, much fucking, but not so much waiting. Wise move, I think.
I was asked whether I felt nervous and although I replied that I was shitting myself, actually I don't feel it today. Mentally I've decided to worry about this one step at a time. So for now, if I'm concerned about anything, it's about drug number one, Buserelin. That's the one that's intended to shut my own hormonal system down altogether and that might just bring me an early flavour of what it's like to hit menopause. It had better not mess with my libido too much or I'll be distinctly unimpressed! Anyway, let's do drug number one for a couple of weeks and then we worry about the serious stuff. But honestly, I'm far too tired today to worry much about anything. They told me that I might feel tired and tearful on the Buserelin, but actually I'm a bit fragile today anyway - minus the Buserelin. Perhaps it's just coming off the week's worth of artificial progesterone into my first period in 9 months that's knocked me out, the evil crampy bitch, or perhaps I'm also still hungover from my Sunday of depravity with Banshee girl. In any case, I'm just about ready for my sofa, a hot water bottle and a good dose of Stieg Larrson. I've not felt this particular internal state for a little while - very, very soft with a big desire to take care of myself. All that rebellious edginess that's been my near constant companion since last spring - it's completely in the background right now. This particular girl - she's an old familiar friend. You know, I think I actually quite like her...
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